Writing

The New Yorker

My Strict Morning Routine

Eight Things I Wish I’d Known in My Twenties Before I Blew My Life Savings on an Alpaca Farm

McSweeney’s

At This Rate, I’ll Never Be Able to Start a Second Family

I’m the Guy Who Wears Jeans in the Summer, and You’ll Never Get Me to Admit That I’m Burning Up

Your Neighbor With the Loud Motorcycle Who’s Making Your Life a Living Hell Introduces Himself

Cancel Culture Has Gotten Out of Control, Which Is Why I’m Canceling My MLB TV Subscription

I’m the Guy Who Wears Shorts in the Winter, and One Day You Will All Bow Before My Bare Weatherproof Legs

Weekly Health Update from the Principal of Cobra Kai’s West Valley High School

Take Me Out, Coach: Revising John Fogerty’s “Centerfield” for MLB’s COVID-19 Outbreak

Is it COVID-19, the Common Cold, or Are You Transforming into a Wild Beast After Crossing Paths with Circe, the Greek Goddess of Magic?

Points in Case

I Honestly Prefer Being Alone—Unless You Want to Hang Out?

Are You Getting Enough Protein, Bro?

I Am Thrilled to Be the Mafia’s New Fall Guy

Better Responses to the Question “What Do You Do?” When You’re Unemployed

I Clap When the Plane Lands

This Is Your 3 AM Existential Dread Wake-up Call

5 Sleep Hacks to Help You Feel More Rested and Less Anxious About That Time You Accidentally Ran Over a Hitchhiker

Do I Regret It?

This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us

A Message from the Meditation App You Haven’t Opened in Six Months

Birdwatching Journal Highlights from the Year My Wife Cheated on Me with Our Neighbor Rick

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids Again, And This Time I’m Not Unshrinking Them until You Promise Not to Leave Me

As the Commissioner of Major League Baseball, My Job Is to Give Fans Exactly What They Want: As Little Baseball as Possible

Slackjaw

I’m In The Mime Gang From The Warriors, And I Think We Need A New Look

I’m An Oversized Pickup Truck, And This Suburban Life Is Killing Me

It’s Crazy To Think That Everyone (Except Me) Is Going To Die Someday

I Quit Drinking Coffee And I’ve Never Felt Better, Except For When I Drank Coffee

I’m The Guy Who Stands Up As Soon As The Plane Lands, And You Slowpokes Better Be Ready To Move

What To Do If You Encounter A Coyote — Namely, Longtime Ken Burns Film Narrator Peter Coyote (Third Place, Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge 2021)

Did I Mention That I’m Into Jazz Now? Because I’m Super Into Jazz Now

Here At Farmer Drummond’s Pumpkin Patch, We’ve Got Way Too Many Goddamn Pumpkins

My Guided Meditation Will Help You Achieve Enlightenment And Give You Exclusive Access To My Timeshare In The Finger Lakes

You’ll Never Escape From My Inescapable Prison, So Please Stop Trying

Try Our New 45/45/10 Burger! (Just Don’t Ask Us What’s In The 10%)

Weekly Humorist

Even Though the Office Is Still Completely Engulfed in Flames, I’m Gonna Need You All to Come Back in Full Time

Gregor Samsa Returns to Work (Best of 2021)

What the Hell, Hummingbirds?

The Offing

Maybe Don’t Come Back? A Message from the Dean of Law & Order’s Hudson University

Widget

You, Too, Can Live Like A King—Assuming Your Father’s A Wealthy Corporate Takeover Specialist